9 years ago on this day, 1 May, my family and I were getting ready to take a dreadful trip to the homelands to go bury my darling mother. Overcome by grief, my birthday, 28 April, was pretty sombre and poignant.
Whilst reflecting this morning, I realised that today marks a full week since hubby and I survived a car accident. Despite four cars being involved in the bumper crash and my head banging hard on the seat, it was a minor one. However, at the scene, I was utterly distraught. I felt weak and in shock. I trembled. My body felt paralysed. I wailed like a little child as images of what could’ve happened raced through my mind. I thought about my daughter and my siblings. I thought about how my mother died and I was immensely triggered. See, my mother died following a car accident.
Today, for the first time since the accident, I feel more alive and human. The past couple of days have been a blur. I’ve gone through dark moments of sadness, grief, and pain. I had no strength to do anything productive or rejuvenating. Yes, the heavily sedating meds from the doctor were still wearing off but my state of being was also severely impacted. I had no physical strength and felt a gaping hole in my soul. I struggled to pray and to read my daily devotions. I couldn’t write. All I did was sleep, eat, binge on Netflix and read books.
After a heartfelt conversation with hubby, he made me realise the rut I had unintentionally dragged myself into. Although at the time I was not fully receptive to his inspiration and encouragement, our conversation brought clarity and made such a huge difference to my state of being (after a long nap 😅). The broiling noise in my head simmered and I was able to remember whose I was. I remembered the Sunday service message of “you are a Victor, and not a victim”. It dawned on me that I had unknowingly stepped and basked into victimhood instead of reclaiming my promise of being victorious in all circumstances.
This experience has reminded me of how easy it is to find ourselves on the other side of the spectrum. How less of an effort it takes to walk into a dark place and bury ourselves in the struggles we are facing. How the way we respond to incidents in our lives will always remain a choice. I was in the knick of it and I made a choice to go the other way.
However, it also reminded me that help is always within reach and we are never alone. With the little strength we have, reaching out to say “I’m not coping”, does not make us any weaker. In fact, there is strength in acknowledging that we are not coping well with what we are going through. This is the first step to reclaiming the victory that God has proclaimed over our lives. A big realisation for me was that those who love you won’t allow you to wallow in self-pity.
Uplifting resources is another tool I realised had at my disposal but never tapped into to help me navigate this chapter of my life. So I went back to my trusted resource, The Bible App and started on two devotionals. One of which is The Waiting Room which I wrote for people who are in a season of waiting and are going through what I’m currently working through. I’d never been more comforted by my own words like that before. When you’ve been in the waiting room for a while like I’ve been, waiting patiently (sometimes impatiently), it can feel torturous to go through such an awful experience. It’s like every time you take a step forward, something pulls you 10 steps backwards. Honestly, it can easily feel like God has forgotten about you. But this is not the case because there’s a time and season for everything.
Despite not being able to celebrate my birthday in a more jovial way, I was overcome with great peace and calm. I was grateful for the gift of life and that of my family. Their presence reminded me of what matters most. That the present - today - is all we have and we need to make the most out of it.
I hope this piece of my heart encourages you to keep going despite whatever you are currently working through. Remember that you are not alone. Make a choice today to reach out if you feel like life is choking you up. Sometimes it’s not about the hope that someone will have answers or solutions to your problems but the ability and space to be heard. If you find yourself privileged to be on the receiving end of a “I’m not coping” call, remember to create a safe space for the one who was courageous enough to call you to lay it all out.
Happy Workers Day - have a happy and blessed new Month 🌻