The year that didn’t stick to the plan (and what it gave me instead)

Happy new year errbody… haha! I know it’s May but a new year just started for me. I celebrated my 39th birthday on 28 April and it feels right to mark this as a new year for me.

Birth days are always a great reminder of the journey I’ve travelled. Each year I reflect on the previous year, some milestones, learnings, shortcomings, growth points, etc. This year I did it differently. I journeyed back through my journal. I paged through chapters of my life and these things stood out as I went through the process:

1. Life truly isn’t linear

   ... and expecting it to be, would be setting one up for failure. This truth and hard-hitting fact is a reminder that life isn’t always predictable, straight-forward or clearcut. Sometimes in the ebb and flow of life, we move forward without a sense of clarity or a clear vision and other times, we do. Looking back at the pages of my life in the past year, I realise that honouring each season we find ourselves in with intentional presence and determination makes a world of a difference. It shouldn’t just be clarity that moves us, we should be moved by faith, hope and the belief that the journey continues. Like the popular phrase says, “trust the process”. So, as life continues in this new year, instead of repelling and armouring up, lean in.

If you haven't already, get yourself a colouring in journal! #HighlyRecommended

I know it takes a lot to lean in because we like to take control of things. However, the power of leaning in allows us to bask in all the glory of what each season has in store for us. When we don’t lean in, we can miss out on the opportunities the season has to offer us. The next time that things don’t go according to plan, ask yourself, “what is this moment or experience asking me to lean into?”

Don’t be too corporate in your reflections, allow yourself the opportunity to flow with your thoughts, feelings and emotions. Be curious and fully lean in - you deserve the peach. Afterall, the revelations may just be the keys to the breakthrough you’ve been seeking all along.

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2. Honour your seasons

   I touched on this in the first point and it’s important that I repeat it here through further elaboration. Like many, despite my exhaustion and wish to be on holiday much longer, I kickstarted January with hope and an optimistic outlook for the new year. I had a long list of plans and things I wanted to accomplish this year. Armed with direction and goals for each month, I anticipated a really good year. However, so far, I’ve cried more than I can let in…

Laying one of my favourite people to rest. Somber much

On my first day back at work, I cried like a baby (in an open plan office, on my GM’s shoulders) after receiving a call about my grandfather being in ICU. I couldn’t help it. I was shattered. How embarrassing and unprofessional this would be didn’t even register for me at that time.

A few days later, my beloved grandfather would pass away and my world crumbled. This wasn’t a way to start the year, I thought. I felt tiny and unimportant in this big world. I felt heartbroken, lost and confused but yet, life had to go on. Work continued. The demands of motherhood and everything -hood, didn’t stop. Bereaved and battered, I had to show up to fulfil the roles I long signed up for.

It was hard but it was in this season that I reminded myself that showing up shouldn’t be performative. Creating shouldn’t be performative either. Since the beginning of the year, my family has lived mostly on take-outs, even on Sunday. My daughter has bought her school lunch from the tuck-shop on more days than I can count. I’ve not finished most of the books I started reading. I’ve been struggling to get out to meet people, even my dear friends. I’ve not met any of my quarter 1 goals.

It’s been a tough season but one that’s reminded me that it’s ok to just sit with how I am feeling in order to honour myself and the season I am in. Acknowledging the capacity I had and sticking to it helped me to not overexert myself. This is how I coped. This may not be the best of ways especially the isolation part of it. Nonetheless, honouring my season in the best way I knew how, helped me to overcome a tough season and strengthened me each day.

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3. Do It Afraid

   Old me would say that this quote by Nelson Mandela “I learned that courage was not the absence of fear but the triumph over it”, was super contradictory. Like, what do you mean that being courageous and fearful can coexist? As I grow older, I realise that the more I do things that scare me, the bolder and more courageous I grow.

For years now, Do It Afraid has been the overarching theme of my life. I adopted it without even understanding fully what it would mean for how lived and showed up. But I knew then that if I didn’t step out to do the things I feared, I’d always complain about the same things: opportunities missed, if only moments and wild what if scenarios.

Doing it afraid as MC at a work event.

Doing things afraid has shifted my perspective from an apathetic mindset to a proactive one. It has helped me feel in charge of my own life without waiting for someone to think of me or consider me for something. With this new mindset, I ask more questions without the weight of “what if they think it’s a stupid question”?. I say “I don’t know” without a dollop of shame if I don’t know something. I say yes to opportunities that scare me, like taking the first step to connect with someone or MCing events. In the past year, I said yes to MCing two work events – very formal and corporate events at my new employer. After saying yes on both occasions, I replayed “what if things go wrong” scenarios in my mind. At the last event, one scenario actually happened: I went blank and had to flip through my phone quickly to find my line again. But, instead of panicking or feeling bad about it, I paused and continued when I eventually found it.

I honestly need to credit the Do It Afraid mindset. In the early days, I would’ve reacted the opposite and quite frankly, judged myself harshly.

Life lately has really gravitated me to a chapter I’m warming up to and embracing fully. I don’t have the urge to rush, to perform, to perfect or to pretend to have it all together. I am showing up as I need to at any given point. Although challenging at times (because habits be habits…), I’m grateful I get to witness this growth in myself.

As I turn a page on Chapter 39, I do so with greater clarity and intent. And my prayer is that I step fully into the person that God has created me to become – stepping fully into my purpose, guided and grounded in truth, love and light.