Grieving again through conversations and someone else’s loss

One thing I’ve come to learn is that grief is not a linear journey. It doesn’t follow a schedule and it certainly doesn’t fold neatly. For many, the pain of loss softens over time but it never truly disappears. It lingers quietly, tucked away in the corners of our hearts until something or someone brings it back, most times, unintentionally. One of the most unexpected triggers for this resurgence is witnessing someone else’s grief or conversations around holiday plans.

When someone close to us loses a loved one, we naturally want to support them. We offer condolences, lend a listening ear and try to be present (as much as they allow us to). But in doing so, we often find ourselves revisiting our own grief. Their pain becomes a mirror, reflecting our own past losses.

Suddenly, memories we thought had settled resurface - raw, vivid and aching.

10 years ago, my mother passed away suddenly in a car accident. One moment she was here - her voice, her warmth, her laughter and the next, she was gone. There was no warning, no time to prepare. The shock of it was paralysing. I remember the surreal stillness that followed, as if the world had paused in disbelief.

Recently, I found myself grieving her all over again when someone I know lost their mom. Their pain reopened mine. I could feel the weight of our conversations, the disbelief, the ache of unfinished chats. I wasn’t just comforting them - I was reliving my own heartbreak.

It’s not selfish. It’s human. I’m human. You are human.

Grief is deeply personal, but it’s also profoundly communal. We grieve in solitude, yet we’re reminded of our grief in the presence of others’ grief. Their tears stir our own. Their silence echoes ours. Their heartbreak reopens wounds we thought had healed.

You know what else triggers my grief? Holiday plans. When people talk about taking their kids to visit their grandparents during the holidays - that gets me all the time, without fail. These conversations always remind me about what I don’t have, stirring up buried grief to the surface. The reality that my daughter has no grandparents to visit during the holidays hits hard. It hurts.

But why does it hurt?

Many things, like the two I’ve highlighted can reignite our own loss. And in my reflecting, I’ve found that these are some of the reasons why it hurts:

• Unresolved emotions: sometimes, we haven’t fully processed our grief. Another’s mourning and innocent conversations can highlight or trigger what we’ve buried.

• Shared experiences: when someone’s story mirrors ours suddenly our own loss feels fresh.

• Empathy overload: we feel people’s pain deeply because we’ve walked that road too.

• Life’s fragility: the reminder of how quickly everything can change cuts deep.

More often, the hurt has led to me isolation. I’ve felt unequipped to show up in the best possible way for those who are grieving loss. My default has been to think about what I needed when I was grieving my mom - SPACE to grieve. So I check in, give them breathing room and then wait for when they are ready to be in their space.

Whether this is best or not, I can’t say but I do it to allow people the space they need all the while, reminding them occasionally that I am thinking of them.

Navigating any of this isn’t easy because there is no manual to guide us through these tough chapters of life. What I’ve found helpful are simple things like:

1. Acknowledging my feelings: it’s okay to feel sad, angry or overwhelmed. Our emotions are valid.

2. Creating space for reflection: journaling, meditating or talking to someone about what’s resurfacing helps.

3. Balancing empathy with self-care: we can support others, without neglecting our own heart. As we hold space for others, it’s important to remember to do the same for ourselves.

4. Seeking support: a trusted friend, therapist or support group can help us process the renewed grief.

5. Practicing self-compassion: grief doesn’t follow rules. We need to be kind to ourselves as we navigate this emotional terrain.

No matter how we show up during grief, it is a bridge. It doesn’t just separate us from those

we’ve lost - it connects us to those who understand. When we grieve again through someone else’s loss or conversations, we’re reminded of the depth of our love, the resilience of our spirit and the shared humanity that binds us.

So if you find yourself mourning again, know this: it’s not a setback. It’s a continuation. A quiet honoring of those who shaped you and a tender reminder that love never truly leaves. Even in its absence, it still lives within us.