Sometime in March, I was invited by MM Communications to speak to an audience of women from all walks of life on the theme, “this too shall pass”. In my speech, I shared bits of my life story – a powerful and courageous act which helps and positively contributes to a person undergoing healing. In relaying my story, I shared it against the backdrop of these six things. These aren’t the only lessons I’ve learned but they have been the most life-changing ones for me.
In part 1, I will share 3 of them and will share the rest in part 2 next week Tuesday.
1. Healing requires vulnerability
When we go through challenging situations, we tend to want to hide what we are going through. Because society tends to applaud “strong”, “perfection”, and hyper-independence, we are afraid to speak up and ask for help. Additionally, we tend to view our past experiences from the lens of shame, making us afraid to own up to them and share our stories.
To heal, you need to allow yourself to be vulnerable. However, vulnerability requires humility. And humility is the outcome of putting your ego and pride aside to enable you to relinquish control. When your pride and ego say, “I’ll do it all alone so I can show them”, your humility says “I can’t do this myself, let me ask for help to get it done so I don’t burn myself out. For healing to happen, you need to be vulnerable with yourself, with God and your trusted community.
2. Allow yourself to feel
Because of what society applauds, sitting with our emotions is mostly frowned upon. When we are going through a difficult season of life, it is so easy to function on auto pilot mode. Autopilot is that feeling of walking on air. Your feet never really touching the ground. When they want to touch the ground, you quickly whisk yourself away again with something that gives you comfort and temporary relief like, a glass of wine, a shopping experience, a sexual rendezvous, and a holiday. Yes, these may be rewarding but if you are participating in them to mask the hurt and pain you are going through, they can become destructive.
If you want sustainable relief, you have to allow yourself to feel. Many of us don’t ever do this because it is uncomfortable. We rather keep going, chasing this or that, one thing after the other. Be reminded that, it is ok to feel sad. It is ok to feel overwhelmed. It is ok to feel anxious. Don’t fall in the trap of hyper-spiritualising what you are going through or feeling. That can be toxic and unhelpful. Remember Jesus said “come as you are”. This should be a reminder that it is okay to not be okay.
Equally important is that, acknowledging how you feel doesn’t mean sitting in your feelings until they lead you into a depressive state. No. It means that you bring to a greater awareness where you are at that particular moment and reflecting deeply on what’s making you feel the way you do. When you allow yourself this space and time, you will always find what triggered the feelings. Once you know what triggered you, you will be in a better position to understand what can help you cope in a more sustainable way.
3. Realise that you can’t control everything
Who here is like me and likes to take matters in their own hands? Well, I’m sure by now you’ve realised that doesn’t always work out well. In fact, in trying to control the situation, we sometimes make it worse. When my mom past away, my brother just wasn’t coping. He suffered a severe mental breakdown which was further exacerbated by his new “coping friend”, marijuana. The more we tried helping him out, the more it seemed the situation got worse. When we are in the knick of things, we want to control the situation we are in but, sometimes you just gotta let go and let God. Somethings just need supernatural intervention, so choose your battles dear friend and stop trying to control everything.
Let me know which one resonated with you the most. Also, share your thoughts on some of the lessons that you've learnt through your tough seasons.
NB: Be on the lookout for part two of this blog next week Tuesday.